You know what I think about whenever I hear the name Guy Kawasaki? Motorcycles. It's true. It's the first thing I think about when I hear his name, even though I???ve been told again and again that Guy actually has nothing to do with motorcycles. So then I try not to think about motorcycles, but come on, the dude's name is Kawasaki. What else are you going to think about? And don't say Vietnam because that is not cool, people. Not cool at all. Guy was just a friggin kid when all that shit was going down. Anyway, since Guy is not a motorcycle designer, and also no longer a member of the Viet Cong, I try to think about something else, and usually what I think about is the fact that he worked for me at Apple back in the Eighties. To be honest he didn't make much of an impression on me back in those days, and I didn't really remember anything about him, but I asked HR to pull his records and apparently the only notes we have on him are that he had a habit of cutting the line in the cafeteria and that a lot of people did not like him.
Anyway, Guy worked here for about fifteen minutes but he's been dining out on that for the past twenty years, and whatever, more power to him. His big claim to fame was that he created this notion of technology evangelism and he created this huge community of weirdo Apple fanboys who would camp out overnight to get our products and who would attack anyone who dared to criticize Apple. To this day these freako Apple kooks still worship me like a god and never let me have a moment of peace or privacy. They steal license plates from my car. Some even show up outside my house hoping to catch a glimpse of me as I drive through the gate. Basically, they???ve made my life a living hell.
So, um, thanks, Guy Kawasaki. Thanks a friggin million for that. Great job. I mean it. You dick.
So what is Guy's new book about? To be honest, I have no idea. I didn't read it. I didn't even pretend to read it. I told Guy, ???Dude, look, I don't read books, okay? Books are a technology of the last century. If you want to make your book into a movie, or a podcast, and if you want to download that video or audio content onto a totally sweet iPod or iPhone, then maybe you will have created some modern content that I will consume, although, to be honest, probably not even then because I don't need to hear your frigtarded ideas about startups or marketing or raising money or whatever because I am already the greatest businessperson in the entire history of the planet and I???ve forgotten more about marketing than you???ll ever know. Besides that I???m super, super busy and important, and I???ve got so much money that I could wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills every day for the rest of my life and I???d still have more money than almost everyone on the planet, including you, since the last time I checked you haven't exactly been setting the world on fire as a venture capitalist.???
But I digress.
Anyway, Guy is craven enough that he doesn't really care whether I read his book or not. As he put it to me, all he wants is a famous name to put on the cover, and pretty much everyone else turned him down and so he had to resort to calling me, and so fine, I let him beg a little bit and then I made him do some humiliating things like stand on one leg for half an hour and jump up and down and make strange noises, and then I said, Okay, okay, enough already, you total freak, I???ll write you something.
So this is it--my official endorsement. Reality Bites is by far the best book ever written about the Valley. It's an important and necessary work, one that should be required reading in every business school in the country. I wish this book had been around when I was starting Apple in my garage back in 1976. I???m sure I wouldn't have read it, but still it would have been nice if it had been around back then to help out all those other people who wanted to start companies but couldn't figure out some of the more subtle aspects of business, like the fact that you need to charge more money for your products than it costs you to make them. That's a really super important lesson, yet one that so many people overlook, especially here in the Valley. Anyway, if these incredibly super-obvious things aren't already super-obvious to you, then you probably need to read a book like this and have someone like Guy Kawasaki teach you how to start a business, in terms that a child could understand.
And now I???m thinking about motorcycles again. Dammit! Namaste, poorly informed wannabe business people. I honor the place where your imbecilic gaze and my incredibly wise words become one. Much love. Peace out.
Fake Steve Jobs
Taken from Guy's blog post.